Broken Record

I recently had an enjoyable chat with a friend who was requesting a story. There was only one requirement; the story had to be happy. This request sent me on a quick search through the ol’ website, something I hadn’t done in some time, and ultimately revealed an interesting fact.

I am a broken record.

It’s probably fairly obvious to the casual observer, but for me, it didn’t become clear until I scrolled through the entries I’ve made over the months. One thing that’s always fun for me is going back and reading stories I had forgotten completely. It happens on a regular basis (when I do go back and read). I have a decent amount of Flash Fiction built up now. Rediscovering them is like finding a lost memory.

However, rereading the Random Ramblings is where the realization came from. Time and time again I’ve posted about my feelings of disappointment for not having written enough or for stalling completely. After my pity-party, I then move on to the familiar ground of “this time is for real!”

Good for me for staying positive I guess. Normally I wouldn’t look down on this kind of behavior. It’s important to shrug off the past in order to move into the future, but when you scroll through a year or two of entries and see the same thing posted again and again, it’s pretty clear that change has not occurred.

So now what? Am I here to post another chorus to my never-ending song of beginning anew?

Not really. I’m not writing this to bare my soul (although it is helpful for me, therapeutic). I certainly don’t want to double-down on my “this time is for real” position. I think that’s somewhat out the window given how long this cycle has continued.

The real point of my sharing this is the hope that maybe there are other people who feel the same way, and maybe it’ll help them (as it does with me when I’m working through personal issues) feel a little more normal. We all struggle. We all wish we did a little better, worked a little harder, or procrastinated a little less. That’s normal. I’m normal. You’re normal. In the end, it’s okay. You do what you can. Hopefully, if the results are less than what you hoped for, you’re able to find a renewal in dedication to reach the goal that still lingers on the horizon.

That’s where I’m at today. I have goals I have yet to reach. More importantly, looking back and seeing how much time I’ve piddled away has helped me realize there are things in my life I simply need to change. Whether or not I follow through remains to be seen, but I’ve at least figured a pathway from the valley of feeling defeated to the tops of the rolling hills of personal victory.

Or should I say mountainous peaks of victory?

Nah. I’ll work on getting out of the valley first.